About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize