I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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