I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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