Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize