True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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