in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
