I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
