enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize