it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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