I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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