I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You ruined the universe
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
