I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
