Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
