Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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