the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
