my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
