i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
