Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
