its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize