ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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