went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
