how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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