well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
