He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
