I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
