I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
