i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
