omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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