a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
