I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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