I could have mohawked her pubes.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
