Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize