I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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