oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
