barbara walters just said penis...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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