i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
