just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
