Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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