Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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