I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
