So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize