I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
