now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
