My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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