We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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