You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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