On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
