Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
