We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize