yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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