Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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