Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
