Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
