also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
