I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
