I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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