My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
