I didn't shave. On purpose
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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