p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
