I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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