I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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