He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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