Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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