New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
