Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
