grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
