I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
