One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize